1971 | Dir. Guy Hamilton | 120 Minutes
"My God... You've just killed James Bond!"
James Bond infiltrates a diamond smuggling operation and discovers it is run by his nemesis Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Constructing a laser-firing satellite with diamonds, Blofeld plans to sell the devastating orbital weapon to the highest bidder.
Instead of building on the thoroughly fun and surprisingly poignant On Her Majesty's Secret Service in any meaningful way, Eon Productions delivers painfully generic installment in a transparent surface-level attempt to replicate the success of Goldfinger, bringing Guy Hamilton back to direct and Shirley Bassey to perform the theme song. From its opening moments, it's clear that much of the production's budget went towards facilitating the return of its leading man, as the sets look shamefully cheap and there is generally a lack of significant spectacle throughout. The writing also leaves a lot to be desired, as Bond's one-liners are somehow worse than usual, the wealthy recluse held captive and impersonated by Blofeld is an awful character, and the humor is campy at best and grossly offensive at worst.
Most of the film's action takes place in Las Vegas though not much of it is all that exciting. Bond's escape from a research facility in the middle of the desert driving a shoddy looking moon buggy is more embarrassing than humorous, a physical altercation with a pair of alluring gymnasts is less thrilling than it sounds, and the climatic by-the-numbers battle on an oil rig ends with Bond operating a crane to fling around Blofeld's escape vehicle devoid of any drama. However, two bright spots come to mind: a claustrophobic one-on-one battle in an elevator early in the picture that is actually pretty good, and a fantastic car chase on the Vegas Strip - though aside from one iconic moment in which Bond escapes through an alleyway with two wheels up in the air, too much of the sequence takes place in a parking lot.
Out of shape and looking about ten years older than he did in You Only Live Twice - and yet it's only been four - Sean Connery returns as 007 for his final Eon Bond film and gives off the strong impression that he would rather be elsewhere. Jill St. John gives a stilted performance as the diamond smuggling love interest Tiffany Case, sharing zero chemistry with Connery, and the buxom Lana Wood is even worse as the unfortunate and unfortunately named Plenty O'Toole. Previously appearing as Dikko Henderson in You Only Live Twice, Charles Gray is unremarkable as Ernst Stavro Blofeld, perhaps the least interesting actor to take on the role. Bruce Glover and Putter Smith appear to be having the time of their lives as homosexual caricatures Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd, their scenes are enjoyable in a so bad they're good kind of way. Country star and sausage king Jimmy Dean is distractingly bad as Howard Hughes analog Willard Whyte. Norman Burton, the fourth actor to play Felix Leiter, fails to leave much of an impression. Bernard Lee, Lois Maxwell, and Desmond Llewelyn make their standard appearances as M, Miss Moneypenny, and Q.
Diamonds Are Forever is objectively one of the very worst Bond films. Connery is clearly checked out as Bond, the plot and set pieces are astoundingly dull, and the camp humor is cringe-worthy. Perhaps the best thing about it is that it might be just bad enough to be enjoyed ironically.
THE COLD OPEN
Bond's hasty globe trekking to eventually find and kill Blofeld in a secret facility in a cave somewhere is so very dull, made worse later in the film when it is revealed that the real Blofeld is still alive.
THE THEME SONG AND OPENING TITLES
Though the film is a disappointment, Shirley Bassey's titular theme song is one of the best, a memorable tune that casually flaunts sexual innuendo with surprising force. Composer John Barry apparently instructed Bassey to imagine she was singing about a penis. Notably, the song was sampled for Kanye West's Grammy-winning "Diamonds from Sierra Leone". The signature Maurice Binder opening titles are moody, sensual, and very stylish, featuring the shapes of ladies in darkness illuminated by light refracted through diamonds.
THE BOND GIRL
For a professional diamond smuggler, Tiffany Case is an incompetent mess. She alternates between being an obstacle in Bond's way and a damsel in distress to be saved. Her signature moment is firing a machine gun at baddies until she falls off the oil rig in the climactic battle.
THE BOND VILLAIN
This is Blofeld at his least threatening, and it's a real shame since he won't return to the series proper for another 44 years. His use of decoys is tiresome, his impersonation of Willard Whyte using a voice changer is underwhelming, and his plan to create a doomsday weapon and auction it off is surprisingly unambitious for the premiere villainous mastermind.
FEATURED HENCHMEN
Mr. Kidd and Mr. Wint are a pair of gay coded weirdos that are incredibly entertaining if one is willing to look beyond or perhaps laugh at the misinformed homophobic leanings of the writers. They are fascinating to watch in that they seem to be performing in their own movie, divorced from the main action until they cross paths with Bond and Case at the end of the film. Their methods are brutal, and they are each afforded truly epic deaths which are much more memorable than Blofeld's apparent demise.
FEATURED GADGET
Q's slot machine manipulating ring is a fun bit of wish fulfillment, and sadly the most interesting bit of gadgetry in this waste of a movie.
FLEMING FIDELITY
Based loosely on Ian Fleming's fourth Bond novel of the same name published in 1956, the film borrows the premise of a diamond smuggling ring, the characters of Tiffany Case, mobster Shady Tree, and gay henchmen Wint and Kidd. In the novel, the ring is operated by a ruthless American gang known as the Spangled Mob and the diamond smuggling scheme is much more elaborate though without any ties to cold war politics or secret terrorist organizations. Unsurprisingly, Tiffany Case's incredibly problematic gang-rape backstory from the source material was cut from the film, culminating with Bond one again stepping in to show a troubled woman that "the right man" can fix her.
FRAGMENTS
- Roger Moore, who would play James Bond in seven films beginning with the next picture Live and Let Die, was offered to fill the role in Diamonds Are Forever but was unavailable due to his commitment to the television series The Persuaders!
- John Barry's "007" theme plays during the destruction of the oil rig
- At the bottom of the end credits, the film advertises that "James Bond will return in Live and Let Die"
